T-Minus One Week till Wedding — A Severe Case of the Dumb-Dumbs

Nov 4, 2011 by

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have suffered at my hands an unread email, unreturned text, or bewildered look in the last few days, I apologize.  I currently have the attention span and focus capacity of a toddler with ADD and her own box of cookies.  You know how when you’re about to leave on vacation, you find yourself mentally checked out, unable to start anything new, unable to think about anything else?  That’s the frame of mind I’m in right now, times ten.  Add serious lifelong implications to Vacation Brain, and you get Wedding Brain.

That's my sister. I expect to see a lot of this face on both of us next week.

Last night I went to Pilates hoping to center myself, and instead I was a bumbling fool, slipping, falling, and forgetting positions I learned months ago.  I had a very rough time with right and left.  I got so mired in my confusion at why I suddenly sucked at Pilates that I left more addlepated than I’d arrived.  I got home, looked at Miles and said, “Remember that intelligent, attractive girl you fell in love with?  The one who had her shit together?  Well, look back on her fondly, because you get to marry this mess.  He laughed, thankfully.  I asked him if he’d like to watch a movie, and he asked me what kind of movie I had in mind.  I immediately screeched “something about weddings!” and he respectfully suggested a documentary called How the Universe Works.  That is why I love Miles Polaski.  Not only because he wanted to watch a documentary about theoretical physics, but also because he knew the only thing powerful enough to distract my whirring mind would be antimatter.  And that hour and a half was the longest brain-break I’ve had in days.

I must admit, I never thought I would turn into this girl.  For the last eleven months, I have breezed along fairly calm, incredibly organized, and not at all obsessed.  I got annoyed when people would greet me with “how’s the wedding planning coming?” as though I had no other interests or identity.  But as soon as we hit the 10-day mark, I started reading all those wedding books I forgot about half a year ago, making and remaking schedules, packing and repacking clothes.  There isn’t much left to do, but I have been seized by a paralyzing fear that I’ve forgotten something, or there is a crucial element of this wedding business that I overlooked somehow.  I have been so intently focused that I feel the urge to tell complete strangers that I’ll be a bride in one week (ONE WEEK!), and I pore over all the arcane little details about wedding ceremonies I can find.  For instance, did you know that the bride’s hand has to be on the knife when the cake is cut, with the groom’s hand on top of hers?  It is prohibited to break the bride’s connection with the cake, which symbolizes fertility.  It’s true.  Did you know that?  I didn’t until yesterday.  Now I can’t know anything else.

See how calm I was last time we were in Louisiana?

I think once we make it to Louisiana on Sunday night, I’ll be able to ground myself better.  My mother will have lots of little wedding projects for me (programs to be folded, favors to be boxed, etc) that will keep my hands and my mind busy.  But for the next 48 hours, I’m afraid that the world is dealing with a formerly cool cucumber who can’t remember the location of basic neighborhood landmarks, can’t sit still for more than 15 minutes at a time, and constantly has the glazed expression of someone who may have left the oven on.

There is one upside to this madness, which is the “I’m getting married in a week!”-card.  Miles and I have been playing it for about the last month, to great effect.  Want to get great customer service from a bank (well, better than usual)?  Call, sound slightly hysterical, and repeat several times “I’m getting married in a week!”  Need a wayward paycheck from a freelance job that’s gone missing in the mail?  Same rules apply.  It’s kind of amazing what doors are opened.  Saying you’re getting married in a week is like brandishing your license to kill.

I must say that the pre-wedding cleanse turned out to be a capital idea.  Though I have cheated a wee bit with a drink here, a taste of Halloween chocolate there, overall I’m feeling light and clean body-wise, as well as smugly triumphant.  Now if only my mind could be similarly settled.

1 Comment

  1. Ash

    That’s what pinterest is for. Obvi.

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